This blog is about my homeschooling efforts as much as it's about my life as a Catholic-Christian. Part of being a "good" homeshooling mom is teaching the kids about God, faith, trust, hope, grace, etc.
Can I just be honest and say I just don't know anymore! I've felt the distance and disillusion for a while now, and I've just been going through the motions. I know in my "head" what all the answers are, and I've been good to spout out those things for others that are in my state of heart, but seriously there is a difference of knowing something in your head and feeling it in your heart. My heart has felt empty from some time now.
Sometimes, I lay in bed at night question if God is real, mainly because I feel so empty. I wonder in my head and propose things like well if he was real then xyz should happen, almost as if to dare God to prove his existence. Especially seeing my heart feels so empty now. I have read the many conversion stories of the saints and conversion stories of the unknown saints. Can I just say that at times these stories brings me sorrow, because I wonder what makes them so special that God shown himself to them in the way THEY wanted, and I'm left feeling in the dark.
I'll be honest; I know that's it's "bad" for me to think that way. After all I'm sure God has his reasons, after all every child NEEDS things differently at different times. We don't always get what we want, we get what we NEED and at times our wants and needs are the same. See that's the logical side coming in and rationalizing it for me, but in my heart I'm still wondering why, what's so special about them.
In the truth of honesty I haven't been to confession for a good 2 years now, and I thus I haven't received communion in this last year. Perhaps the lack of receiving has caused my heart to feel so empty. I don't know...
I've come close to going, but I haven't gone. Back in January my DS received reconciliation for the first time. It was a family event and the parents were encourage to be there and go AFTER the kids gone. As I blogged about it earlier, I was going to go until I learn there would be treats for the kid. Well honesty, I used the "treats" as an excuse not to go. I also never went the following week, nor have I taken my DS to confession. DH has but I have not.
The next closest time I came to actually doing a confession was this past Sunday. Our parish offers coffee and donuts after the 9:00 am Mass. Fr. B is always good about popping in at coffee and donuts and greeting the people. He's a good priest in that regard.
When he approached the table I was sitting at I thanked him for making my son's day last Saturday. You see my son had his first communion retreat this past Saturday and was making his banner when Fr. B stopped in to say "hi". He told my DS that he like his banner. So I shared with Father how that made my son's day. We went home that day and all my DS could say was how Fr. B liked his priest. (DS put a priest on his banner, I would add that DS was the ONLY one to have a priest on his banner; Is that saying something?)
Father, started to talk about parenting and I made a comment how it's hard because you are reasonable and scary because they (the children) call you on so much, and make sure you follow the "rules".
Father B, looked at and asked, "You do go to confession regularly don't you?" I didn't vocally give my answer, I just hung my head and shocked my head no. Fr. B immediately sat down and preceded to tell me it's not that hard, I don't have to go in the confessional, we could do it in his office, etc. He basically said everything he could, just short of telling me to do a confession right then and there.
I listen to everything he said and with tears in my eyes and I just sorrowfully looked at him and said "I know,I know, I know; I just don't understand what's stopping me, and it's so frustrating, because in a few weeks my son is going to receive and well I want to be able to too." At that very moment my DD (almost 7), who had been off playing, jumped into my lap and said "Mommy!!!" Well DD being there changed the mood. Father said a few words to my DD and then turn to me and said well I have to talk to the other people and left. So close yet so far way!
My just so lost! I know in my head what's missing, it's just getting my heart to follow and take action. I know it's NOT my church! It's ME!! Going somewhere else is not going to "fix" it; I know that....Please pray for me, because I don't know what else to do any more.